poetry – a m a n d a p a h l s

Earlier this summer, we had quite an experience when family photos turned into something wildly unexpected. We absolutely love our pals Mattea and Katherine. Not only are they wildly talented and gifted humans in so many ways, but our girls truly admire these ladies. They are kind and fun and loving and insightful and wise and are the kind of gals I am so grateful to have in our lives and that the girls have to look up to. While we don’t get to see them often, we just love them so very much. Some of my favorite compliments include the girls telling me something I’m wearing looks like something Mattea or Katherine would wear. That is high fashion praise!!

Mattea and I were visiting and decided we should do some family photos, but a month or so before we planned to do them, our youngest gave herself the haircut of all haircuts. We’re talking like a to-the-scalp-mullet. It kind of looked like if Lydia from Beetlejuice was going to a monster truck rally-sans bangs, if that helps explain the vibe. While we weren’t cross with her at all, and actually I grieve at the thought that this was likely the last toddler to celebrate her independence via a precious diy haircut under our roof, we decided to put off photos a bit and allow some of those locks to grow back…at least maybe a couple strands of bangs:D

We found another day that worked where the weather looked as if it would be perfect, actually got days mixed up, missed that day, and landed on a day where our sweet friend Katherine got to join as well! As we pulled up to the location, rain began to fall. Mattea asked what we wanted to do, we asked the girls, and they were super stoked to play in the rain. They jumped out of the van so fast and took off running and dancing in the field under the rain. It was GORGEOUS! It was that kind of misty rain that made everything feel magical. By the time I was out if the van, I started to hear joyful yelling. “MOM! Look! A rainbow! Wait, TWO RAINBOWS! It was incredible. We began to quote the double rainbow video, as Chris and I have been catching our daughter up on our internet favorites this summer, and were enjoying this moment together so much. It felt like such a gift. The rain, the rainbows, but we really had no idea what a gift this session was going to be.

For starters, doing photos in a field was a huge deal for me, and something I’ve been wanting to do for a while as a way to celebrate overcoming a fear that held me hostage for many years. While the story is a bit winded for this post, those who know me well, know this fear I battled and the heaviness I carried in my thoughts and heart for years because of it. I had never felt so haunted or crippled by anything quite like this fear before, and it took me years to work through. I think I will always be working through it in some aspects, but not in a way that robs us of joy or truth anymore. All that to say, doing photos together with my family in a location like this was a really big deal for me, and if you could scratch and sniff these photos, they would smell like the most amazing fresh rain and several cans of deet.

In that moment when I first saw the rainbows, it felt like they were for me. Like God saying, I see you and know you and the fears you’ve walked through and are learning to let go of, and I am with you, and my promises are so real and it’s not always going to feel like it does right now… I had no way of knowing just how much God was really going to speak to me through this session and how these photos and the conversations they have made room for are still healing my heart.

This photo above was one of the first sneaks Mattea sent me and I thought it was so beautiful. I did what I usually do and shared it with my internet friends on the instagram. One of my dearest friends, who knows my heart and parts of my story many do not, messaged me and, “Amanda, I see Shepherd”. We miscarried our son Shepherd in 2020. A loss that continues to impact our lives a great deal. And standing right in between his sisters, after Frankie and before Noble, I too could see him. When we found out we were carrying a boy, I dreamt of dressing him in all things vintage, but especially little overalls. And as I sat there looking at this photo, trying to make sense of what I was seeing, I struggled to even find my breath, as I too could see this little boy in a cream shirt, overalls, maybe even a cute little hat reaching for his sister’s hand.

I love the Lord, and I no longer pretend to understand how He works or attempt to put the creator of the universe in a box intended to make me feel more comfortable or in control. I do believe heavenly things are here now and all around us if we will accept the invitation to take part in these magical moments. When I look at these photos, I can clearly see that we were partaking in something that is beyond what my small mind can comprehend. And what a gift it is that we do not have to fully understand the goodness of God to experience it.

As we’ve explored the photos more and discussed what we see in them with friends and loved ones, much more healing has come from it. People from various walks of my life have prayed with me and over me and our family and allowed me to share parts of my story that are much more difficult and isolating than others. I thought this photoshoot was celebrating the experience of feeling set free of intense fear, but it was so, so much more. The last few years have been filled with experiences that made our hearts feel like they’ve gone through the blender and these experiences have led to the unraveling of dreams and hopes, to make way for new ones. These photos feel like a hand written letter from the Lord letting me know He knows my heart and cares for us so much.