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I am so excited to share the birth story of our first born daughter, Norah Grace. The day we were blessed with our darling daughter was quite the day…Let me rephrase…Quite the 2 days… I’ll start with the week of her arrival. A week before I was due, I was 70% effaced, dilated to a 4, and Norah was positioned at 0 so my Dr. told me she thought our labor was going to be really fast. My mom and little brother came down for the week and she was very hopeful we would have Norah by my due date, September 4th, because my younger sister was due with her first little girl and my mom wanted to be able to attend both our births. Our girls ended up being born 4 days apart. I was HUGE! Like, HUGE, HUGE! I gained 60 pounds during my pregnancy and I was just so excited to meet little Norah! My mom came to visit for the arrival of Norah and bought us chocolate, pineapples, spicy foods, black licorice, primrose oil to ripen my cervix, and red raspberry leaf tea to strengthen my uterus. We watched funny youtube videos because supposedly a good laugh should help contractions, then we watched sad movies because we read maybe a good cry would also work. Anytime we were sitting around that week my mom encouraged me to sit on my exercise ball and bounce. She was funny. I loved having her with me. Chris and I went for lots of walks, curb walked, and did all kinds of fun things to try and kickstart labor. Around 7:00 every night for days leading up to meeting Norah, I would start having contractions. Chris would pull out his guitar and play while I would sit in my rocking chair and rock through the contractions. We were convinced she would be coming, and then about 4 hours into the contractions they would stop. I was discouraged after 4 nights of this and one pretty decent false labor incident I left work for. Prodromal labor is wild, but we knew it would be soon. Day I: The week leading up to Norah’s birth, both of Chris grandparents passed away. They passed two days apart from one another peacefully. They were married over 50 years, raised 7 children, and many grandchildren. Their funeral was to be held Saturday morning and Chris was asked to be a pallbearer. Saturday, September 1st, the day Chris was suppose to be in his Grandparent’s funeral, I woke up at 5:30am by a sudden gush in my bed. I thought, great! I just peed myself! Thank goodness we were advised to put trash bags under our sheets! I sat up and then realized my water had broken. I woke Chris up and shared and showed the news. I stood up and there was waters everywhere! It wouldn’t stop! Every time I would step, there was more! I felt so bad that we wouldn’t be spending the day with loved ones, but everyone showed excitement for us, even amongst the grief. I woke my mom up and the three of us were giddy! My water would gush with each contraction and did so in the bathroom while I got ready, in the kitchen while I ate some snacks, in our living room while we visited, in the laundry room while I tidied, at the dining room table while we snacked some more, in the car on the way to the hospital, and all over the hospital parking lot as we hustled inside. I wasn’t in any pain but, I could feel my contractions. We had taken Bradley method classes and had been advised of what to do in this situation. Chris encouraged me to stay hydrated, made me a healthy breakfast before we went to the hospital, and juiced me some fresh orange juice for me to drink after delivery. We packed extra hydrating drinks, honey sticks, and healthy treats to snack on for energy during labor. I am SO thankful we did this! Little did we know, we were in for quite the experience, and no pack of 2 tiny stale hospital saltine crackers was gonna cut it! We got all checked in and everyone acted surprised that I could be in labor but in such high spirits. When I got hooked up to their IVs and monitors, which was probably the worst part of my hospital stay, the nurse informed me that my contractions were strong and only 3 minutes apart. I had no idea! I stayed active and walking around as much as possible for the first…day. Well, as active as I was allowed to be. Unfortunately, the wireless monitors were broken and the staff would only allow me out of bed every for small durations. As long as I was standing and walking around, my contractions were consistent and growing. The moment I sat back in the bed, they completely stopped. I loved being up and doing what I felt my body was telling me to do. I would walk and squat and lean into my contractions, welcoming each one. I didn’t have a desire to try and avoid pain or to fight it. I was so excited to experience birth! I slipped into my nightie and robe I brought to birth in and put on these fun little booties I was excited to get to wear and birth in. We did some intake information and I made a joke about being clumsy. The nurse grabbed me another bracelet that read FALL RISK and told me I had to take off my little booties and replace them with with these neon red massive, thick, truly uncomfortable neon red grippy socks. This would alert the staff I was a walking liability. My feelings of excitement began to grow into that of discomfort and concern. We were asked if we had any preferences for our birth and when we shared our birth plan and that we wanted a natural birth with no pain meds, we were actually laughed at and told we did not. When I expressed I felt I needed to walk around and that I felt my body telling me to walk more, I was also laughed at and was told my body didn’t tell me that. I started to feel confused, scared, unsupported, discouraged, and so uncomfortable, all which are not great feelings any time, but especially troubling when welcoming a baby, and for the first time to add to that. I waddled into that parking lot SO excited to experience labor and had imagined such a different experience, and it was as if everything we had prepared for began to be taken away as soon as we entered the OB. I was learning in real time that the environment I chose to birth in, might not have been wise for what I wanted to experience. I loved the idea of home birth, but for some reason, we were under the impression that we should be in a hospital setting for our first. The pungent hospital smells began to make me feel queasy, the sounds of beeping and monitors, the doors opening and closing, having no idea who would be entering the room when I heard those sounds, the shuffling of unfamiliar voices outside the door were making me grow in discomfort. And I said a little about the IV part. Much more painful than any contraction I experienced, was my IV that was shooting hot throbbing pain all over my hand and arm. I cried and explained the pain and was asked if it could be changed, but it was not, and with every move I made, that IV was a reminder of the extreme discomfort I was in and a distraction from the real work I needed to be doing. I hated so much how my labor would start to get more intense and the anticipation would build, get plugged back in, and watch my contractions stop. Some of our nurses were really funny and so kind, and one nurse even bought me a giant candy bar to enjoy after Norah’s arrival. And then some nurses were not like that. I wasn’t aware of or prepared for how many different people I would be seeing in my time in the hospital or how this would also make me feel. I had to keep reminding myself that the staff was only doing their jobs and doing what they knew and were trained to do, and sadly, none of them were trained to support the natural birth I desperately wanted, and many even trained and advised to encourage women against it. Luckily, we had lots of friends stopping with beautiful gifts and fun distractions. The surprise treats, sweet gifts for Norah and I, fun humor, and kind encouragement; that part I loved!
I’m going to fast forward and remind you that my Dr. told me my labor would be so fast… And at 20 hours into being in the hospital, I teased her that we had different definitions of fast. I came in at a 4 and I was still at a 4. My labor would truly stop when I would get into the bed and I knew I needed to walk around more. I finally progressed to a 7 and that’s where things felt more difficult… I felt like I was in transition for days. I did not want an epidural and although I was in pain, I never asked for and did not want pain meds. I wanted to feel it all. I was excited to experience it all. We played lots of music I enjoyed, tried several birthing positions, and used all that we learned in our Bradley Method classes. I was also so surprised that no staff helped us with this part. We would receive periodic checks, but I didn’t realize how on your own to birth you really are. And with every check, I was offered pain meds, something I eventually asked them to please stop doing. We entered the hospital with a lot of false assumptions found ourselves kind of shocked by the many sad realities of our experience. Around midnight, my contractions escalated. They were non-stop and on top of contractions with no break in between. There was about 5 hours that I went into a trance that I don’t really remember but, Chris tells me I did good though. I was able to close my eyes and allow my body to do what it needed, working hard not to fight the contractions. Every few hours someone would come in to check me, and those checks rivaled with the pain of my IV and also seemed to shut down my labor. Every time I would hear a beep or the door open, or sounds outside the door, I would get so scared and it’s like my labor would actually reverse in progress. I hit 24 hours since my water had broken. I couldn’t believe I had been in labor for this long. I didn’t understand how this could be, especially since I had been expecting a fast delivery. My mom and Chris were so good to me. They stayed up with me through it all. They alternated rubbing my back, legs and arms, playing with my hair, and praying over me. My primary love language is physical touch and I wanted it more than ever during labor. I know there were a lot of pee breaks and a hot shower mixed in there somewhere as well. Day II: At 26 hours of labor, I began to run a low grade fever. This is not so good. I was hooked up to some antibiotics to protect Norah from any infection. I was getting so tired both physically and emotionally. I was still having contractions but I wasn’t appearing to progress as far as dilating goes. Fearing that I would be too weak to push once Norah did arrive, the doctor gave me the ultimatum of getting an epidural or C-section. I was so devastated as I did not want either of these interventions and was confused why I needed either. I asked for a medical reason why and wasn’t given any other explanation besides I had been there for a long time and I would be too tired to push when the time came. They assured me Norah was doing great, nothing had changed in any of her heart tones, but these were my options. I cried so hard when they told me this. I was so sad and angry and didn’t understand. I so badly wanted to have a completely natural delivery. I honestly wanted to leave. When I cried and told them I wanted to feel it all, they actually giggled at me and I couldn’t understand why people kept doing that. I felt so scared and defeated. I asked them if there was anything else I could do or try, but was told these were the only options I had. I wish so badly I would have had the knowledge to better advocate for myself like I do now, but if I had that, I wouldn’t have chosen to birth in that space. I didn’t know what to do. I think one of the most difficult aspects of this birth were all of the interferences and policy/protocol in my environment that induced fear for me and prevented me from being able to get comfortable and lean into my intuition. I know this all played a large role in my particular birthing experience. I was so uncomfortable, not from labor, but with my environment, and there was just so much I went into the hospital not knowing. I remember looking at Chris and being overwhelmed with fear and disappointment. I did not want an epidural. I did not want it or need it. I cried so hard as they administered it and I felt so angry. I was given the lowest dose I could be given and unfortunately it only numbed one side of my body & I would learn after delivery that it caused some permanent nerve damage, leaving the administration point hurting, and possibly will hurt the rest of my life. As they laid me back into the bed, I fell asleep & was woken up 2 hours later by the doctor asking me if I wanted to push. PUSH?! PUSH?! I was so ready! I sat up so fast and was so excited!!!! IT WAS TIME! Sleeping allowed my body to experience the comfort it needed to fully progress. I was so grateful! I had been given a low dose of medicine in my epidural, and could feel my contractions, but my legs were still pretty numb when I awoke. I disliked that numbing sensation much more than my contractions, but I was just so excited this time had arrived. Chris and my mom helped hold my legs and after pushing for 10 minutes, 5 pushes, SHE WAS HERE!!! At 11:32am, after 30 hours of labor, Norah Grace Pahls was laid on my chest! One of the most incredible moments I had ever experienced!!!! I covered her in kisses, and she was just so perfect! Her little cry was SO cute! Like a little velociraptor:) I pulled her up to my chest and she started breastfeeding almost immediately! It was the most incredible thing I had ever experienced. It felt like second nature to me. She was perfect! Everything around me faded and all I can remember in that moment was, Norah…Our sweet little Norah, whom we had prayed for and over and anticipated like nothing before, was in my arms!!! That moment, there are really no words for it. Sometimes I laugh because if I am being honest, my first thought was, “SHE”S SO NAKED!” And it’s not like I was never expecting her not to be, but I had also never held a naked baby that had just come out of my body. It was amazing, but also being a bizarre sensation. Her warm skin, covered in vernix. None of it felt gross and even though it was new and foreign, it also felt completely familiar and my body knew exactly how to receive hers, as if my arms had always been holding her.
I am so thankful for this beautiful daughter. She is the greatest gift I have ever known, and as I gave birth to her, I too became a new person. What a cool thing that we get to grow in new ways together with and alongside our children. To everyone who helped take part in this special time in our lives, THANK YOU!
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The Week Of:
Update: As we have welcomed more children and gained more education, I thought it might be worth revisiting sone aspects of our birth story. I first want to express that I do not believe that anyone did anything malicious or out of wishing me any harm. I am so grateful we have the option to birth in hospitals and for our hospital and staff. I went into a medical establishment wanting a non-medical birth and medical establishments are simply not trained in the non-medical practices and interventions that I was wanting to experience. Our experience came by lack of research on our behalf and wanting an experience that the establishment I chose to birth in are not there to provide. We learned so much through our birth with Norah and our experience has allowed us to change many of our perspectives, challenged us to research better, and has lead us to make some of the most beneficial decisions of our lives since. While not everyone who gives birth in a hospital setting will share the same experience as we did, nor respond in the same way as I did, I have learned birth trauma and previous trauma triggered by birth is more common than I was aware of before we welcomed Norah. Hospital settings are simply not able to provide the gentle care, offer non medical interventions, or the emotional or spiritual support I desire while bringing a baby into the world.
I have chosen to pursue healing while focusing on my most favorite parts of Norah’s birth, rather than holding onto bitterness or harboring resentment or regret about my experience. It is ok to grieve things I wish were different, but I also do not want to be robbed of any more joy. For me, past trauma being triggered in a hospital environment, the sounds, smells, being restricted from leaning into the things that comfort me and my intuition, negative interactions, feeling unsupported, discouraged, coerced, receiving unnecessary medical interventions, the pain I am left with, and lack of postnatal care proved to be traumatic for me. They were all things I found myself trying to rationalize, defend, or accept as normal, but have now learned birth does not have to look like that, nor accepted as normal in many cases.
I share this less glamorous side of birth because while there were so many beautiful things to celebrate, and I am so grateful for the staff who took such good care of us, advocated for us, and also gave me chocolate, I was also left having to process the parts that left me grieving things I was hopeful for. Women deserve so much greater care and we have learned you can have that first hand now. If you find yourself experiencing any of this, I guess I just felt like I wanted to say it is ok for you to process your experience, grieve the things that looked differently than you wanted, and to encourage you to pursue healing, and new experiences, all while rejoicing and celebrating the beautiful parts of your experiences.
Norah’s birth gave us the gift of learning we wanted something different and paved the way for healing in other areas of my life. The education we have gained since has lead us to many incredible experiences and a transformed life . Not just for our family, but for many other friends and family who also learned from our experiences and were able to make choices that better served their families and healing journeys as well. We share our experience to celebrate all that Norah’s birth was, and to empower those who read this to educate yourself as much as you feel comfortable doing, and to encourage anyone who finds themselves resonating with trauma of any kind to let go of bitterness and pursue healing.
a m a n d a p a h l s 